Isabela Explains it All

Sate your curiosity. You know you want to.

April 12, 2014 8:55 am

Back in a few days

I’ll be back in a few days, my lovelies. Hawke tells me that the magic runes that she utilizes to power this device need repairs, and they won’t be usable until next week.

I suppose I’ll have to find some other means of entertainment until then.

April 10, 2014 6:00 am


the-earthbending-greywarden: Isabela, my love, I'm sorry I've been neglecting your blog for a while, but I'm back now and with a question. In my past relationship I had to be very secretive, which meant no public displays of affection. How do I go about overcoming this public awkwardness with my current boyfriend?

My darling and bendy warden, the easiest way to overcome your fears is to face them by exposing yourself to the things that frighten you. The thing about getting physical where one can be seen is not usually something to be frightened of, since it involves engaging in an activity that you already find enjoyable. No, the problem stems from being embarrassed by it. Shame, I’ve learned, is something that you do to yourself. If you wish to rid yourself of these feelings of shame, my duckling, then I can suggest a few things.

It’s actually not so different from going swimming in chilly water. There are two general schools of thought on the matter - you can get used to it gradually by starting off just dipping a toe in and working your way up to more daring exploits. The easiest way is to start off holding hands in public, and then doing bolder things. A peck on the cheeks, a peck on the lips, arms around shoulders, leaning into each other are all often accepted and perfectly mundane activities. A little cloying and toothache-inducing, perhaps, but generally accepted as perfectly normal things young lovers do. From there, you can raise the stakes. Sit on his lap, spend time with your arms around each other, lie down with your head in his lap or vice versa, try some kissing. Then you can escalate further to the real fun activities… use plenty of tongue, groping, nibbling of earlobes and kissing of necks, reaching under the skirt or the blouse, polishing the mast, or fully docking the ship in the harbor.

There are other ways to escalate too, of course. You needn’t strip naked in broad daylight on a busy street, after all. Not unless you want to. If you’re less courageous, you could start off in places that are less likely to be seen, such as a dark theater or a cozy booth. One could always hide a tree in a forest - there are often locations that are famous for being choice spots for amorous activity, and who would notice another pair of lusty young people enjoying each others’ company? You could also choose a time of day that’s less populated and enjoy yourselves from there. And there’s also the idea of performing in front of total strangers, which is different from exhibiting yourselves in front of friends and acquaintances. Even I felt a bit embarrassed when Leandra caught me between Hawke’s knees the first time, even though I wouldn’t have given it a second thought had it been a random passerby instead.

There is also another school of thought entirely, of course - just pick the most brazen and embarrassing you can think of, steel yourself, and do that. While this second method is more shocking, it does tend to make everything else seem so much less shameful. After all, stealing a kiss is much less likely to raise eyebrows if you’ve already been seen naked, bound, and gagged by your entire crew.

The best part about all of this, however, is that the embarrassment can be extremely exciting. It provides an extreme mutual shared experience - you’re both showing parts of yourselves to complete strangers that you normally wouldn’t, and that can cause degrees of mental stimulation and arousal that weren’t there before. The body’s reaction to shame is very similar to the body’s reaction to arousal - a pounding heart, the rush of blood, shortness of breath, and if you are feeling both sensations, it can greatly heighten the pleasure. I know even the normally-unflappable Hawke was caught flushed and breathing hard when she was spotted with my hands down her trousers at the marketplace in Hightown the first time. 

I would suggest doing what you feel comfortable doing, and perhaps pushing a little bit further each time. Do something that brings the flush of shame to your face, and enjoy yourself. Find the part of the embarrassment that excites you, and use it to push yourself to greater heights of pleasure, my succulent. Ride it to its logical climax and you will find delightful new ways to enjoy your lover

April 8, 2014 6:00 am


Hawke fell back onto the bed with a strangled cry in a sweaty, exhausted heap. I looked up at her with a smug smile, equally weary, and crawled to her side. She was still breathing hard, but she looked satisfied.

"Maker’s breath, Isabela," she said, gently brushing some of my hair back from my face.

"Sweet thing, you’re not seriously about to complain, are you?” I asked, grabbing her wrist and pressing my chin to her bare shoulder.

"I don’t think I’m even capable of moving for the next hour,” she gasped.

"Then I will claim victory in this duel. A hard-fought battle it was, but in the end, I was triumphant," I declared, squeezing her thigh just above the knee.

"I would contest, but that would involve moving," she replied.

"Oh, Hawke, what time is it?" I asked, suddenly remembering something.

"I think it’s a few hours past moonrise. Why?" she asked.

"Oops," I said.

"What’s the matter?"

I could hear the concern in her voice.

"We were supposed to go downstairs at dusk," I said.

"What happened at dusk?" she asked suspiciously.

"The others were to throw you a surprise party," I explained. 

"You’re not supposed to give away the surprise, are you?" she asked, looking amused.

"I warned them this would happen, but they wouldn’t hear of it," I grumbled. I felt warm fingers encircle my hand.

"Isabela, tell me what happened," she ordered.

"They sent me up here to distract you while they prepared the party,” I explained, stretching my arms above my head.

Hawke pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Isabela," she said. "You came up here late afternoon. We’ve been here for hours.”

"I know, sweet thing. I’ve been right here alongside you for every delicious minute. Well, below you. And above you."

"And you just forgot?"

"I had my hands full, and I may have been a bit… overly enthusiastic in my assigned role.”

She sighed.

"Well, I’m sure they’re all rather upset that we never came down. I should go apologize to them."

She tensed once, then again, but did not rise.

"I really can’t move," she sighed.

"If it makes you feel any better, I thought I saw someone crack the door open a while ago," I suggested helpfully.

"When was this?"

"About the time you tied me to the bedpost, before we got to the massage oil," I said.

"The rose or the coconut?"

"The coconut, I think."

"And you didn’t say anything?"

"Would you have said something were our roles reversed?"

"Yes! Well… maybe. Actually, no, probably not" she concluded with a sigh.

"It was really good,” she admitted.

"If it makes you feel better, I’m sure they’ve all gone home by now," I suggested helpfully.

"This is all your fault," she replied, smiling warmly at me.

"They should have known better. You don’t send a fox into the henhouse and expect her not to eat everything in sight," I reasoned.

"I would hit you for that, but I still can’t move," she complained.

"Well, it’s getting to be about the time I take my leave as well," I began, attempting to rise.

I felt her grip on my arm tighten and her creamy thighs lock around mine.

"Bet you didn’t see this one coming," she said.

"You said you couldn’t move!" I accused.

"I’m not moving. And, for tonight, neither are you,” she declared.

"As the lady insists," I replied magnanimously as I settled in against her for the evening.

April 7, 2014 6:00 am


Anonymous: Does Isabela make contact or are you like passing ships in the night with your ex girlfriend and boyfriend my ex boyfriend makes my heart skip a beat when ever l see him

It can get complicated when dealing with past lovers, my duckling. Most of the time, the reason it gets strange is because there are often a lot of unresolved feelings when a relationship ends. You think about what might have been, why things went bad, what the problems were, and whether you made the right choice ending it, or perhaps why the other person decided to end it. It might be tinged with longing, regret, fondness, or any of a dozen other emotions.

If you know me at all, you know I try to avoid such sticky things. Relationships are complicated, and I dislike complexity. I like to keep things simple and fun… and I have, for the most part. When I get with a new lover, I make it very clear early on that I have no intention of anything deeper than something that’s purely fun. It’s like enjoying dessert. It satisfies a craving, and I definitely have certain kinds I enjoy more than others, but at the end of the day I’ve no strong loyalties to cherry tartlets, frozen custard, or chocolate dipped strawberry - and I like it that way.

When I meet a former lover, I usually don’t bother letting sentiment into it. I might like him. I might even do him again for fun. But I’ve also got no compunctions about sabotaging, betraying, or cutting an ex’s throat even if I happen to like him. I’ll try to avoid it if I can (and I like him), but if push comes to shove, I’ll invariably choose what I want over what somebody else wants. It’s not personal, of course. It’s just business. Sometimes you end up on opposite sides and that puts you in conflict professionally. Or politically. Or just because you need the coin from the caper, and you just don’t want to share. It usually just ends with someone in trouble, and that’s something we all need to deal with from time to time. 

There’s only one person I can think of who would give me pause in that regard, but she isn’t an ex. She might be an ex someday, but at the moment we’re still getting along just fine. I haven’t really thought seriously about what would happen if the two of us were suddenly put into conflict, but my initial thought would be to fuck her into submission.

April 5, 2014 6:00 am

Making a Deal

"Did you bring it? Did anyone see you?"

"Of course I brought it, Anders. No one saw; I’m always discreet."

"Let me see it."

"It’s gorgeous, isn’t it?"

"It’s… alright, I suppose. Doesn’t look like much. How much do you want for it?"

"I bought it myself in Val Royeaux, made from the finest Orlesian silk. It’s a remarkable piece of workmanship, made by an expert craftswoman who works for the empress herself!"

"How much?"

"Five sovereigns."

"That’s highway robbery!"

"No, it’s piracy.”

"Come on, I haven’t got that much!"

"You’ll have to do better than that. ‘I’ve not enough money’ doesn’t work at the bazaar in Lowtown, and it won’t work here."

"What if… what if I offered to treat you for free? Your next two treatments taken care of."

"I haven’t needed treatment for one of those in over a year, Anders."

"But you might! You never know when you’ll pick up something nasty at the Rose. And the last thing you want is to give that awkward explanation to her to come see me.”

"You’re probably right. A free treatment and four sovereigns, then."

"I’ll brew you some potions. I know you like the stamina elixirs. Two free treatments and four vials of instant energy."

"I do like those, but you’re still not offering enough. One treatment, four vials, two and a half sovereigns."

"Oh come on, I’ve got only two sovereigns to last me until the next paying job!"

"You know it’s worth it. It’s the genuine article! You can literally smell the quality. It’s likely the only one of its kind, the finest craftsmanship, the best materials, and it’s her favorite.”

"Is… is it really her favorite?"

"I swear to all that’s magical."

"Well… if it really is one of a kind… and it’s really her favorite…”

"Just touch it. Drink in that aroma. That’s quality, right there."

"Isabela, you’re sure this is legitimate?"

"Would I lie to you?"

"Yes, you would."

"Well, I’m not lying about this one. I swear, it’s all true. I was there, it’s the real deal."

"I don’t know…"

"I’ll tell you what. One treatment, six vials, two sovereigns and it’s yours."

"Six vials? That’ll take me ages to brew!"

"But think of what you’ll be getting! Even the coloring is perfect. You always liked the color blue, didn’t you?"

"It is a very nice color…”

"I’ll tell you what. I’ll even throw in a matching handkerchief."

"And you’ll make sure Hawke will never find out? Or Aveline, or any of the others?"

"I am nothing if not discreet."

"You’re about as discreet as a bonfire."

"I’ll take the merchandise and leave right now, you know."

"No, no. I… I’m sorry."

"One treatment, six vials of stamina, and two sovereigns."

"Aye, you’ll get them."

"Coin up front, my duckling."

"Fine, fine. Here."

"And one pair of Hawke’s favorite used panties in light blue, delivered as requested. A pleasure doing business with you."

"Bloody pirates."

April 3, 2014 6:00 am


Anonymous: My boi friend is so very very sweet she can not do enough for me there are times when it seems she is just waiting for me to ask Is such a devotion right the only request she makes of me is to keep my hair long Does Hawke mame any demands on you

She actually doesn’t demand anything. Sometimes I wish she did, because it would make her seem much more… fallible. She’ll make little requests of me. She wants me to go along with her for this, or help her out with that. It’s never anything tremendous, just little favors here and there. While I would normally skive off for anyone else, even other lovers in the past, I find myself not wanting to disappoint her. The thought of her looking sad irritates me. I think it’s because I sometimes get the feeling that she’s been on her own and taking responsibility for everyone for so long that she feels uncomfortable asking for big things.

It’s a little strange. If she asked me for the head of the queen of Antiva, I’d get it for her. If she asked for a diamond the size of her fist, I would steal it for her. If she asked for a Qunari relic, I’d start planning the heist immediately. But she never asks for anything that large, and it’s a little disconcerting. It makes me wonder whether she trusts me enough to ask me for things. Does she trust anybody enough?

I think part of the whole issue is that she’s afraid that I’ll bolt if she tries to hold on too tightly. I’m not entirely sure she’s wrong about that, but I think the result is that she tends to be very loose when she’s with me.

So we’re not entirely a perfect pair. Hawke and I are still doing the elaborate dance of getting to know each other better and learning to be with another person. All in all it’s been a rather terrifying experience, but it brings with it a thrill I can’t quite describe. If I had it to do again, there are probably a few details I regret, but being with her is never one of them.

April 1, 2014 2:08 pm
You too may become a paragon of manliness!

For a nominal amount of coin, you too can become very nearly as manly as your favorite dwarf! Act now and you can also purchase a Garrus Vakarian body pillow at a small additional cost for those cold nights while exploring the stars. I know I’m looking forward to having both and showing them off to all who will see.

6:00 am

The Joke

"Isabela, did you do something to Aveline?"

"Oh, a few things."

"She’s having conniptions. Did you really bake her a pie?"

"I did."

"Did you do anything to it? Aveline had torn the inside out and had it carefully examined. Her kitchen is a mess."

"I added a bit of extra cinnamon to the apple. I know she likes it with cinnamon."

"Strange. And was that bottle of brandy from you too?"

"It was."

"I was wondering why Aveline was pouring it out. Don’t you humans like drinking brandy?"

"We do. I believe that one in particular is her favorite vintage."

"But why would she wish to ruin the drink then? Does it have something to do with why she tore open that new painting?"

"Oh, that? That was a gift from Hawke that I delivered along with the pie and bottle this morning."

"Do humans like destroying gifts they receive? I don’t remember you doing that to the things I’ve given you."

"Don’t be silly, kitten. Of course we don’t."

"I don’t understand. Why is Aveline destroying such precious things?"

"She probably believes that I must have done something awful to them first."

"Awful? Like what?"

"Do you remember the itching powder I put into her underwear drawer?"

"Oh, yes."

"And the time I switched her boots with those of the little elf guardswoman?"

"Was why she was walking funny all day?"

"That’s right."

"Then yes!"

"The time that I hid the spiders inside her oven mitts?"

"Oh, so that’s why she started screaming when she had us over for tea.”

"Yes, kitten."

"I still don’t understand, Isabela. You didn’t do anything to the gifts you gave her this time, did you?"

"No, I didn’t."

"But won’t she feel foolish after realizing that she’s gone and destroyed all of these lovely things for nothing?"

"That’s the joke, my darling."

"I don’t think I’ll ever truly understand human humor. But it’s all very exciting, isn’t it?"

March 31, 2014 6:00 am

The Setup

"The Qunari waste nothing. They would reeducate you into a loyal follower of the Qun."

"Pfft. Could I refuse?"

"There’s always qamek, which turns you into a mindless laborer. Like I said, they waste nothing.”


"If you wish to thank Hawke, she’s standing right there."

I stared at the familiar ceiling of my favorite jail cell while recalling the conversation once again in my mind. There were holes in the ceiling shaped like puncture wounds. I briefly remembered the time I had collected a dozen silvers from the other guards after I had broken the previous record of six blades stuck in the ceiling at once, before Aveline had come like a mother hen and shooed them all away from my cell.

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March 30, 2014 6:00 am


Anonymous: Can our Pirate Princess please tell us ducklings why we must follow fashion and keep our under arms or arm pits shaved

Must? My duckling, there is no must. If you wish to let your hair grow free, then, in true pirate fashion, you can tell any naysayer to go and felicitate him or herself. I do it because I like the way it looks on me. I’ve known lady larcenists who looked like they constantly had a dwarf in a headlock. I don’t find it particularly attractive, and the sort of person I typically try to attract may not either. But that’s a decision I made for myself. If you don’t care, then by all means - cultivate the forest and let them grow.